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gibberish talk

Ada kalanya beberapa malam saya habiskan di dalam kamar buat mikir macem-macem sambil dengerin lagu-lagu mellow di itunes. Sayangnya aktivitas ini malah lebih sering bikin saya nangis dibandingin bikin saya intropeksi diri. Saya gatau apa yang bisa bikin saya nangis, biasanya sih karena udah banyak aja yang kepikiran jadinya kecampur semuanya.

Malam ini adalah salah satu malam dari beberapa malam yang baru aja saya jelasin. Tiba-tiba kepikiran aja pas tadi sorenya lagi ngumpul sama beberapa teman. Melihat bagaimana kayaknya mereka memanage kehidupan mereka yang kayaknya dewasa banget, punya urusan yang sebagaimana diurusin sama orang-orang dewasa. Sedangkan gue cuma duduk-duduk dan kebetulan make jeans, kaos iron maiden dan sepatu vans. I look so immature. Lalu saya ngobrol sama salah satu teman dekat saya. Saya ga pernah begitu nunjukin apa yang sebenernya saya rasain entah itu dalam keadaan sedih, senang atau apapun itu. Ya mungkin mereka pikir mereka tau saya senang dan sedih bagaimana, tapi tetep saya yang tau gimana sebenernya yang saya rasain.

Saya suka menutupi hal-hal tersebut dengan mengatakan hal-hal yang bodoh, so they called it gibberish talk. Saya menikmati omongan-omongan bodoh saya, dan out of nowhere nobody seemed to enjoy it. Sampai pada akhirnya becandaan meng-ignore saya karena saya ngomong hal-hal yang bego terus pun berlangsung. Dari situ saya mikir, apa salah saya? kenapa saya ga sedewasa teman-teman saya? kenapa interest saya ga sama kayak mereka?

Saya ga pernah ngerasa pinter dan sebagainya. Saya tau kemampuan saya seberapa dan apa, and to be honest, saya bisa kok ga ngomongin hal-hal yang bego kayak yang saya sering lakuin saat ini. Tapi apa perlu saya sebutin apa aja yang saya tau ke orang-orang? apa perlu saya sebar ilmu setiap saya ketemu orang? saya bisa punya argumen-argumen logis yang bisa bikin sudut pandang anda berubah. Tapi saya milih untuk ga begitu. Karena menurut saya, ya buat apa? saya ga pernah maksud buat buang-buang masa muda saya mikirin yg bego-bego. Tapi ini lebih ga lucu lagi kalo saya lakuin pas udah tua.

Jadi maksud saya disini adalah, saya ga sedih kalo dianggep bego sama orang, tapi kalo sama yang saya anggap teman baik, ya saya kecewa. Karena saya anggap dia udah bisa ngerti saya gimana.

2nd Base

Right when I thought it's just another weekend, I just realize that this weekend will be the last weekend in my 19th. I don't really know how to feel, am I suppose to be happy to be in the next step of maturity? should I be sad for leaving those reckless teenage years? or should I play it cool 'cos I had 19 birthday before? teehee..

I know I shouldn't worry about those kinda thing, but you know, living in a culture of insult and where old way of thinking still running in most of people's mind just made me think that we, the minority, have to loosen up and tolerate that 'old' way of thinking. The old way of thinking i've been mentioning abut is how people still stuck up with everything upon someone's age, and to be honest, I don't want to be stuck up in something like that. I want to have a life that those tv series stars have, where age doesn't matter and you got to stick your ass up in what you believe. I do think that I kinda make this a big deal, but come on, I enjoy every second of my reckless teenage moment, responsibly of course, and of course I do think I got to make a living one day but those years still far way ahead from where I am right now.

I don't really got much to say, some of the stuff I wrote should make you readers think right? whats your plan for at least for the next 5 years? Master degree or marriage? Master degree or work? work or marriage? are you going to move out and look for your own place? Well, you decide!

To Know What Shoes Fits You Best

It's just this afternoon where me and my mom had a slight tense argument about my brother. She was being a bit harsh about his grade, actually only about his physics grade. She has been told by his physics teacher that my brother talks a lot in class and doesn't really paying attention, and so I kinda say "well it wasn't that bad, maybe it was hard for him and also his teacher doesn't evaluate his mistakes, so it's not really adit's fault" and then she was like all mad and my brother took off.

Then she said "you shouldn't defend him! he's wrong and you shouldn't say it's okay!" and I try to explain at a time like this and at this exact condition, a child only wanted someone who understand him, I wasn't saying he was right, I was just trying to understand him since you been all judgy and stuff. Or maybe it's the way you tell him, all I hear was you being all mad and judgy and of course as a normal person a defense must be done when he's feeling cornered. And then we keep arguing and stuff, then she took off.

So I took a moment alone, thinking that I have no one understand me back then. All I had was a moment alone to cry myself to sleep. What i'm trying to explain to my mom is that in my brother's age, a moral support needed the best. I was just trying to understand his feeling, his tiredness from all this school pressure and at least make him feel that this house felt like home a bit, eventhough I rarely feel that way. I knew what kinda thing he needed, 'cos I just trough the same path couple years ago, and yes I know how exactly how that feels.

I was forced to study everyday after school, you know those private tutor. I was freakingly tired from those routine and I just can't stand it if I have to face those for more 2 years. Right when I can choose whether to be in the science class or social class. I was fed up with all this private tutor and so I chose social studies. It was the best decision i've ever made in my life, not once I regret it.

The choice I made has made me who I am today, right at this moment where I type this thoughts into words. My point is, sometimes you gotta fight for your path and try which shoes fits you the best, even it cost you some fortune.

currently listening to Glee's Pretty/Unpretty mashup, about to sleep any minute, nighty night

Taste Smaste

The question is, does taste really matters? does it effect how you and your environment related? I'm starting to feel that way, well at least to me everything about it just starting to makes sense.

I might have a different taste with some of my friends, well most of it anyway. I'm more the shirt and jeans sitting in a coffee house a light chit-chat will made that perfect. And most of them more like 'whats in to wear' sitting in a cute fancy place eating sweet desserts and whining about their weight. Don't be too offensive, you know you did that. But you know what, that don't bothers me that much and I'm okay with it.

But lately, those little things that really doesn't matter starts to bother me. Rasanya capek jadi orang baik yang kayaknya kadang-kadang harus ngikutin kemauan orang lain gitu, disuruh-suruh mau. Well I'm not claiming myself as a good kind person who helps everyone, but it seems that I'm used to put people first instead putting my needs as a priority, and I'm hating myself for being like this. And yes people, that kinda attitude has caused me to watch 20 mins of Sondre Lerche performance when I should watch and hour performance. Dan itu satu hal yang bikin saya marah sampe gatau kapan, sampe sekarang pun saya masih marah. Masih banget.

Berhubungan dengan suatu lingkungan yang punya beda selera dengan kita sampai kapanpun kayaknya ga akan menyamakan selera kedua belah pihak. Yang dominan pasti akan selalu menang. I shouldn't put my hopes high and put my heart out to watch Sondre, harusnya gue tau yang suka itu cuma gue doang, ngandelin orang lain untuk nemenin nonton cuma usaha sia-sia doang.

Ini ga ngelebih-lebihin kok, but it's just that moment when you found a singer who suddenly sang everything that has been on your mind for years with such a breathtaking tunes and with the most soothing sound you ever heard. Sorry for not being too jazzy or being too top 40ish.

Yang Gaib di Dalam Tubuh : Perasaan

Glee is on tv right now and it's being muted, and Glee's Blame it on The Alcohol is playing on my iTunes. Well, actually glee is the only thing that could cheer me up whenever I feel awful about things lately and actually I'm not going to talk about glee. teehee..

Kalo dibaca-baca, beberapa post sebelum ini terlalu ngomongin bagaimana pikiran lebih unggul dibanding perasaan. I seem so though talking about it aren't I? it's like I never felt anything good or bad or even feel something. Well, actually I have felt lots and lots of things, cuma terkadang perasaan emang ga bisa didekripsikan dengan kata-kata.

Jangan dibilang gue ga pernah sakit hati. I felt those but I just hide it better than all of you. Jangan dibilang juga gue ga pernah seneng. Hampir seluruh hidup gue bisa dibilang gue seneng. Masalahnya adalah kenapa semakin kita tua, perasaan kita semakin sensitif, padahal lingkungan menuntut kita untuk menjadi dewasa. right? I'm not saying that dewasa adalah bisa tolerate sama semua hal dengan lapang dada. Menurut gue being dewasa adalah dimana lo bisa menjelaskan dan menyikapi segala hal yang ada di hidup lo dengan cara sepositif mungkin. Dan menurut gue dengan mempunyai sikap yang kayak gitu dibutuhkan kepekaan perasaan terhadap diri sendiri and mostly terhadap perasaan orang.

Untuk mencapai perasaan yang enak, kita juga punya resiko untuk bisa sakit hati, atau untuk mencapai perasaan bangga, lo juga harus punya resiko untuk punya perasaan kecewa. And in my case, gue tadinya mencoba untuk mencapai perasaan dimana gue merasa senang karena bisa membantu, dan ternyata kelihatannya orang yang ingin gue bantu ga membutuhkan pertolongan gue. Jadi ya buat apa membantu orang yang ga mau dibantu. Ya pastinya agak sedikit jleb sih and that's why I hate talking about feelings.

I'm not being traumatized at all dengan kejadian2 yang membuat gue sakit hati, cuma terkadang avoiding those kinda hard feeling might be the best way, by doing mostly everything based on your mind. I'm not trying to be offensive, cuma sekedar berbagi pengalaman aja, karena mostly yang lo liat di diri gue cuma sekedar funny stupid jokes and ridiculous behavior when actually I'm more than that. Tolong jangan sepelein saya, saya cuma memilih untuk menyembunyikan perasaan saya dibanding harus curhat dan dirasa-rasa.

Ideal Point of View

Hai semuanya, hmm.. I suck at greetings, it always has been my weakness since I was born, so never do a 'first impression' thing on me, you'll regret it. Anyway, hows everyone doing tonight? I was just about to put another thought of mine here, since I don't know how and to who I should share.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about people's ideal point of view and mine also or some say 'perception' or 'perspective'. To me, it's kinda a big deal, since its going to lead your life to any possible direction that it's going to lead in every aspect of your life. And also, I'm not going to judge any ideal point of view, just giving some thought that you might have to loosen up with what your believe in and try to understand other's beliefs. So hold your thoughts 'till you finish reading this.

Sekitar 3 atau 4 tahunan yang lalu, itu taun-taun dimana rasanya kalo udah punya sudut pandang sendiri dan pendirian sendiri yang berbeda dari orang lain kayaknya keren, apalagi kalo sampe dijadiin panutan orang-orang sekelilingnya, and so it became a trend. As for me, gue punya pendirian dimana gue akan merasa comfort dengan berteman dengan beberapa orang aja, tapi gue dekat sekali dengan mereka and it looks like i'm going to be fine for the rest of my life. Guess what? that perception changed in just a year, mistakes happen, arguments flying around and when I thought that my perspective were the only thing that was going right in my life, that was actually pemikiran yang sebenernya salah.

And then a friend taught me several things yang sampe sekarangpun masih gue ikutin beberapa kata-katanya, and it changed every ideal point of view I had and it got me where I am right now. dan karena ajaran dia juga gue mulai mengeksplore beberapa ideal point of view orang and actually try to understand kenapa mereka memilih sesuatu sebagai ideal point of view nya mereka and also respect their choices.

Speaking of ideal point of view, let me tell you mine. My point ideal point of view is just to be open minded. Most people menganggap open minded sebagai pemikiran yang oke untuk mencoba apa aja, well half of what they say were true, tapi coba deh jadi orang yang open minded dengan akal sehat. Open minded yang gue jalani adalah untuk punya pemikiran terbuka terhadap hal, it means bisa melihat setiap sisi dari hal yang kita temui sehari-hari, ga berarti semuanya positif kan? bisa aja hal itu juga negatif. Jadi jangan ambil kesimpulan sendiri kalo ada orang yang bilang dia open minded atau menuntut lo untuk jadi orang yang open minded.

And being open minded also requires you to behave nice. Bersikap sebaik mungkin sama hal-hal dan orang-orang yang lo temuin setiap hari. Hargai apa yang mereka percayai dan jalani dalam hidup mereka. Dengan begitu gue yakin lo akan lebih secure dengan keadaan diri lo, kepercayaan lo dan pendirian lo.

Well that's that, I'm done for tonight, ciao!

Logically Heartless

Kenapa 'Logically Heartless'? Karena belakangan ini gue merasa melakukan sesuatu dengan sepenuh hati atau setengah hati atau apapun yang menggunakan hati dan perasaan pasti pada akhirnya akan membawa lo ke perasaan ga enak bahkan kecewa. Dan ini ga hanya tertuju ke suatu pekerjaan aja, mungkin hampir segala sesuatu yang kita lakukan emang harus pake otak, otak dan otak.

Some of you who read this may not be agreed to what I just wrote up there, but I have my own reason. Kenapa? Ya karena pada akhirnya segala sesuatu yang lo lakukan akan membutuhkan alasan yang konkrit dan ga cuma sekedar dengan alasan 'biar seneng' atau 'ya karena emang gue suka', it takes more than that, alasan-alasan yang kayak gitu lebih gampang untuk dibuat-buat atau dijadikan 'excuse' buat melakukan kebohongan lainnya. Ini bukan karena gue ada trauma atau sok-sok capek sakit hati kayak di film dan lagu-lagu sendu, cuma ya karena ini memang lebih make sense aja.

Tapi, maksud gue menulis kalo segala hal lebih baik dilakukan dengan otak atau logis, ini bukan berarti kita ga usah menjaga perasaan orang lain, kita tetep harus jaga perasaan orang lain dengan segala hal yang mereka juga lakukan, mungkin lebih tepatnya menghargai kali ya. Tapi memang bener suatu hal kalo emang dikerjain dengan imbang secara logis dan perasaan ya pasti akan lebih bagus, but in my defense right now, logika bisa memenuhi ekspektasi lo lebih baik ketimbang perasaan ;)

Two Way Monologue

So, hows everybody's new years eve? hope it was great and happy new year! I was at puncak with couples of my friends and I must say it was a blast, puncak never been this fun before, teehee..

Well, it's not about the new years eve or what happened in it that I want to share, it's just another thing that been bothering me (well, not really), it's about how I respond things, you may know I may not be serious most of the time and always joking around, well, I just realize it :D. It's not that i'm proud of it, but sometimes I hate myself too for not being able to came out with a good words to respond to any of your story or your problems, in my argument, I may see some problems from it's brightside and making it a funny thing :)

I always going to hear whatever you want to tell me, even if i'm not going to say anything about it, but trust me, i'm all ears when you need me to listen. And from all the problem I had with responding things, I'm pretty good at feeling things, I experienced bunch of stuff more than you know ;). So whenever you told me stuff and making it a joke it doesn't mean I'm not serious, it means I'm all ears and try to cheer you up :)

I may not be a good responder, but I might have a great argument, sorry for all the things I joke about, sorry for not always being a good responder, goodnight :)