What's New?

Who says I didn't write for more than a year? Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean I didn't write any. I just hide it better.

So more than a year has gone by, huh? So much happened, reality hits, emotionally transform, still trying to figure out what's what. The big news is, I got a job. Not psychological related at all, but at least it doesn't suck. Most of my time are now being wasted in front of the computer and whining how does a person could work for years and do the same routine over and over again for every single day. But yet, the job doesn't make me hurl and twisted. Except for the first 3 days.

The rest of my life hasn't change a bit. Still hanging in the same old coffee shop, with the same people, with the same amount of love. But again, there are some nights where I miss my old life. You know, the kind where your chest ache when you're about to sleep, the sad songs and tumblr crazy reblogging. That kind, the unstable emotionally condition and driving alone with a slow songs playing is the best cure for anything. And still, up until this moment, driving alone is still the best remedy, even when you're tired as hell from work. It's the only time I got to do thing for and all by myself.

It's been 3 months since I haven't felt being a kid anymore. All of this come unexpectedly and so sudden. I can not wait until the moment I want to stop this and have time for myself and travel.

Don't Go Away

"All we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong", it's 3am, repeating to Oasis's Don't Go Away. My mood-swings get the best of me, I think a lot about things that aren't suppose to be thought about. I worry too much, I love too much.

Being attached too much will cause you some serious twisted mind, but less attached could cause you to some painful longing ache in the heart. So how much is the perfect dose of attachments? because the more you think about it, all you could think of is that you need more and  more of that attaching feeling. Those longing ache you had need to be cured by the presence of your attachments. in this context, I'm talking about being attached to someone. Friends, family, lover or whatever you want to name it.

For what is worth, this is enough. I really couldn't afford being detached to you, well at least for now. Good night :)

YOUR TJANGKLONG TUTORIAL!

gibberish talk

Ada kalanya beberapa malam saya habiskan di dalam kamar buat mikir macem-macem sambil dengerin lagu-lagu mellow di itunes. Sayangnya aktivitas ini malah lebih sering bikin saya nangis dibandingin bikin saya intropeksi diri. Saya gatau apa yang bisa bikin saya nangis, biasanya sih karena udah banyak aja yang kepikiran jadinya kecampur semuanya.

Malam ini adalah salah satu malam dari beberapa malam yang baru aja saya jelasin. Tiba-tiba kepikiran aja pas tadi sorenya lagi ngumpul sama beberapa teman. Melihat bagaimana kayaknya mereka memanage kehidupan mereka yang kayaknya dewasa banget, punya urusan yang sebagaimana diurusin sama orang-orang dewasa. Sedangkan gue cuma duduk-duduk dan kebetulan make jeans, kaos iron maiden dan sepatu vans. I look so immature. Lalu saya ngobrol sama salah satu teman dekat saya. Saya ga pernah begitu nunjukin apa yang sebenernya saya rasain entah itu dalam keadaan sedih, senang atau apapun itu. Ya mungkin mereka pikir mereka tau saya senang dan sedih bagaimana, tapi tetep saya yang tau gimana sebenernya yang saya rasain.

Saya suka menutupi hal-hal tersebut dengan mengatakan hal-hal yang bodoh, so they called it gibberish talk. Saya menikmati omongan-omongan bodoh saya, dan out of nowhere nobody seemed to enjoy it. Sampai pada akhirnya becandaan meng-ignore saya karena saya ngomong hal-hal yang bego terus pun berlangsung. Dari situ saya mikir, apa salah saya? kenapa saya ga sedewasa teman-teman saya? kenapa interest saya ga sama kayak mereka?

Saya ga pernah ngerasa pinter dan sebagainya. Saya tau kemampuan saya seberapa dan apa, and to be honest, saya bisa kok ga ngomongin hal-hal yang bego kayak yang saya sering lakuin saat ini. Tapi apa perlu saya sebutin apa aja yang saya tau ke orang-orang? apa perlu saya sebar ilmu setiap saya ketemu orang? saya bisa punya argumen-argumen logis yang bisa bikin sudut pandang anda berubah. Tapi saya milih untuk ga begitu. Karena menurut saya, ya buat apa? saya ga pernah maksud buat buang-buang masa muda saya mikirin yg bego-bego. Tapi ini lebih ga lucu lagi kalo saya lakuin pas udah tua.

Jadi maksud saya disini adalah, saya ga sedih kalo dianggep bego sama orang, tapi kalo sama yang saya anggap teman baik, ya saya kecewa. Karena saya anggap dia udah bisa ngerti saya gimana.

2nd Base

Right when I thought it's just another weekend, I just realize that this weekend will be the last weekend in my 19th. I don't really know how to feel, am I suppose to be happy to be in the next step of maturity? should I be sad for leaving those reckless teenage years? or should I play it cool 'cos I had 19 birthday before? teehee..

I know I shouldn't worry about those kinda thing, but you know, living in a culture of insult and where old way of thinking still running in most of people's mind just made me think that we, the minority, have to loosen up and tolerate that 'old' way of thinking. The old way of thinking i've been mentioning abut is how people still stuck up with everything upon someone's age, and to be honest, I don't want to be stuck up in something like that. I want to have a life that those tv series stars have, where age doesn't matter and you got to stick your ass up in what you believe. I do think that I kinda make this a big deal, but come on, I enjoy every second of my reckless teenage moment, responsibly of course, and of course I do think I got to make a living one day but those years still far way ahead from where I am right now.

I don't really got much to say, some of the stuff I wrote should make you readers think right? whats your plan for at least for the next 5 years? Master degree or marriage? Master degree or work? work or marriage? are you going to move out and look for your own place? Well, you decide!

To Know What Shoes Fits You Best

It's just this afternoon where me and my mom had a slight tense argument about my brother. She was being a bit harsh about his grade, actually only about his physics grade. She has been told by his physics teacher that my brother talks a lot in class and doesn't really paying attention, and so I kinda say "well it wasn't that bad, maybe it was hard for him and also his teacher doesn't evaluate his mistakes, so it's not really adit's fault" and then she was like all mad and my brother took off.

Then she said "you shouldn't defend him! he's wrong and you shouldn't say it's okay!" and I try to explain at a time like this and at this exact condition, a child only wanted someone who understand him, I wasn't saying he was right, I was just trying to understand him since you been all judgy and stuff. Or maybe it's the way you tell him, all I hear was you being all mad and judgy and of course as a normal person a defense must be done when he's feeling cornered. And then we keep arguing and stuff, then she took off.

So I took a moment alone, thinking that I have no one understand me back then. All I had was a moment alone to cry myself to sleep. What i'm trying to explain to my mom is that in my brother's age, a moral support needed the best. I was just trying to understand his feeling, his tiredness from all this school pressure and at least make him feel that this house felt like home a bit, eventhough I rarely feel that way. I knew what kinda thing he needed, 'cos I just trough the same path couple years ago, and yes I know how exactly how that feels.

I was forced to study everyday after school, you know those private tutor. I was freakingly tired from those routine and I just can't stand it if I have to face those for more 2 years. Right when I can choose whether to be in the science class or social class. I was fed up with all this private tutor and so I chose social studies. It was the best decision i've ever made in my life, not once I regret it.

The choice I made has made me who I am today, right at this moment where I type this thoughts into words. My point is, sometimes you gotta fight for your path and try which shoes fits you the best, even it cost you some fortune.

currently listening to Glee's Pretty/Unpretty mashup, about to sleep any minute, nighty night

Taste Smaste

The question is, does taste really matters? does it effect how you and your environment related? I'm starting to feel that way, well at least to me everything about it just starting to makes sense.

I might have a different taste with some of my friends, well most of it anyway. I'm more the shirt and jeans sitting in a coffee house a light chit-chat will made that perfect. And most of them more like 'whats in to wear' sitting in a cute fancy place eating sweet desserts and whining about their weight. Don't be too offensive, you know you did that. But you know what, that don't bothers me that much and I'm okay with it.

But lately, those little things that really doesn't matter starts to bother me. Rasanya capek jadi orang baik yang kayaknya kadang-kadang harus ngikutin kemauan orang lain gitu, disuruh-suruh mau. Well I'm not claiming myself as a good kind person who helps everyone, but it seems that I'm used to put people first instead putting my needs as a priority, and I'm hating myself for being like this. And yes people, that kinda attitude has caused me to watch 20 mins of Sondre Lerche performance when I should watch and hour performance. Dan itu satu hal yang bikin saya marah sampe gatau kapan, sampe sekarang pun saya masih marah. Masih banget.

Berhubungan dengan suatu lingkungan yang punya beda selera dengan kita sampai kapanpun kayaknya ga akan menyamakan selera kedua belah pihak. Yang dominan pasti akan selalu menang. I shouldn't put my hopes high and put my heart out to watch Sondre, harusnya gue tau yang suka itu cuma gue doang, ngandelin orang lain untuk nemenin nonton cuma usaha sia-sia doang.

Ini ga ngelebih-lebihin kok, but it's just that moment when you found a singer who suddenly sang everything that has been on your mind for years with such a breathtaking tunes and with the most soothing sound you ever heard. Sorry for not being too jazzy or being too top 40ish.

Yang Gaib di Dalam Tubuh : Perasaan

Glee is on tv right now and it's being muted, and Glee's Blame it on The Alcohol is playing on my iTunes. Well, actually glee is the only thing that could cheer me up whenever I feel awful about things lately and actually I'm not going to talk about glee. teehee..

Kalo dibaca-baca, beberapa post sebelum ini terlalu ngomongin bagaimana pikiran lebih unggul dibanding perasaan. I seem so though talking about it aren't I? it's like I never felt anything good or bad or even feel something. Well, actually I have felt lots and lots of things, cuma terkadang perasaan emang ga bisa didekripsikan dengan kata-kata.

Jangan dibilang gue ga pernah sakit hati. I felt those but I just hide it better than all of you. Jangan dibilang juga gue ga pernah seneng. Hampir seluruh hidup gue bisa dibilang gue seneng. Masalahnya adalah kenapa semakin kita tua, perasaan kita semakin sensitif, padahal lingkungan menuntut kita untuk menjadi dewasa. right? I'm not saying that dewasa adalah bisa tolerate sama semua hal dengan lapang dada. Menurut gue being dewasa adalah dimana lo bisa menjelaskan dan menyikapi segala hal yang ada di hidup lo dengan cara sepositif mungkin. Dan menurut gue dengan mempunyai sikap yang kayak gitu dibutuhkan kepekaan perasaan terhadap diri sendiri and mostly terhadap perasaan orang.

Untuk mencapai perasaan yang enak, kita juga punya resiko untuk bisa sakit hati, atau untuk mencapai perasaan bangga, lo juga harus punya resiko untuk punya perasaan kecewa. And in my case, gue tadinya mencoba untuk mencapai perasaan dimana gue merasa senang karena bisa membantu, dan ternyata kelihatannya orang yang ingin gue bantu ga membutuhkan pertolongan gue. Jadi ya buat apa membantu orang yang ga mau dibantu. Ya pastinya agak sedikit jleb sih and that's why I hate talking about feelings.

I'm not being traumatized at all dengan kejadian2 yang membuat gue sakit hati, cuma terkadang avoiding those kinda hard feeling might be the best way, by doing mostly everything based on your mind. I'm not trying to be offensive, cuma sekedar berbagi pengalaman aja, karena mostly yang lo liat di diri gue cuma sekedar funny stupid jokes and ridiculous behavior when actually I'm more than that. Tolong jangan sepelein saya, saya cuma memilih untuk menyembunyikan perasaan saya dibanding harus curhat dan dirasa-rasa.

Ideal Point of View

Hai semuanya, hmm.. I suck at greetings, it always has been my weakness since I was born, so never do a 'first impression' thing on me, you'll regret it. Anyway, hows everyone doing tonight? I was just about to put another thought of mine here, since I don't know how and to who I should share.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about people's ideal point of view and mine also or some say 'perception' or 'perspective'. To me, it's kinda a big deal, since its going to lead your life to any possible direction that it's going to lead in every aspect of your life. And also, I'm not going to judge any ideal point of view, just giving some thought that you might have to loosen up with what your believe in and try to understand other's beliefs. So hold your thoughts 'till you finish reading this.

Sekitar 3 atau 4 tahunan yang lalu, itu taun-taun dimana rasanya kalo udah punya sudut pandang sendiri dan pendirian sendiri yang berbeda dari orang lain kayaknya keren, apalagi kalo sampe dijadiin panutan orang-orang sekelilingnya, and so it became a trend. As for me, gue punya pendirian dimana gue akan merasa comfort dengan berteman dengan beberapa orang aja, tapi gue dekat sekali dengan mereka and it looks like i'm going to be fine for the rest of my life. Guess what? that perception changed in just a year, mistakes happen, arguments flying around and when I thought that my perspective were the only thing that was going right in my life, that was actually pemikiran yang sebenernya salah.

And then a friend taught me several things yang sampe sekarangpun masih gue ikutin beberapa kata-katanya, and it changed every ideal point of view I had and it got me where I am right now. dan karena ajaran dia juga gue mulai mengeksplore beberapa ideal point of view orang and actually try to understand kenapa mereka memilih sesuatu sebagai ideal point of view nya mereka and also respect their choices.

Speaking of ideal point of view, let me tell you mine. My point ideal point of view is just to be open minded. Most people menganggap open minded sebagai pemikiran yang oke untuk mencoba apa aja, well half of what they say were true, tapi coba deh jadi orang yang open minded dengan akal sehat. Open minded yang gue jalani adalah untuk punya pemikiran terbuka terhadap hal, it means bisa melihat setiap sisi dari hal yang kita temui sehari-hari, ga berarti semuanya positif kan? bisa aja hal itu juga negatif. Jadi jangan ambil kesimpulan sendiri kalo ada orang yang bilang dia open minded atau menuntut lo untuk jadi orang yang open minded.

And being open minded also requires you to behave nice. Bersikap sebaik mungkin sama hal-hal dan orang-orang yang lo temuin setiap hari. Hargai apa yang mereka percayai dan jalani dalam hidup mereka. Dengan begitu gue yakin lo akan lebih secure dengan keadaan diri lo, kepercayaan lo dan pendirian lo.

Well that's that, I'm done for tonight, ciao!

Logically Heartless

Kenapa 'Logically Heartless'? Karena belakangan ini gue merasa melakukan sesuatu dengan sepenuh hati atau setengah hati atau apapun yang menggunakan hati dan perasaan pasti pada akhirnya akan membawa lo ke perasaan ga enak bahkan kecewa. Dan ini ga hanya tertuju ke suatu pekerjaan aja, mungkin hampir segala sesuatu yang kita lakukan emang harus pake otak, otak dan otak.

Some of you who read this may not be agreed to what I just wrote up there, but I have my own reason. Kenapa? Ya karena pada akhirnya segala sesuatu yang lo lakukan akan membutuhkan alasan yang konkrit dan ga cuma sekedar dengan alasan 'biar seneng' atau 'ya karena emang gue suka', it takes more than that, alasan-alasan yang kayak gitu lebih gampang untuk dibuat-buat atau dijadikan 'excuse' buat melakukan kebohongan lainnya. Ini bukan karena gue ada trauma atau sok-sok capek sakit hati kayak di film dan lagu-lagu sendu, cuma ya karena ini memang lebih make sense aja.

Tapi, maksud gue menulis kalo segala hal lebih baik dilakukan dengan otak atau logis, ini bukan berarti kita ga usah menjaga perasaan orang lain, kita tetep harus jaga perasaan orang lain dengan segala hal yang mereka juga lakukan, mungkin lebih tepatnya menghargai kali ya. Tapi memang bener suatu hal kalo emang dikerjain dengan imbang secara logis dan perasaan ya pasti akan lebih bagus, but in my defense right now, logika bisa memenuhi ekspektasi lo lebih baik ketimbang perasaan ;)

Two Way Monologue

So, hows everybody's new years eve? hope it was great and happy new year! I was at puncak with couples of my friends and I must say it was a blast, puncak never been this fun before, teehee..

Well, it's not about the new years eve or what happened in it that I want to share, it's just another thing that been bothering me (well, not really), it's about how I respond things, you may know I may not be serious most of the time and always joking around, well, I just realize it :D. It's not that i'm proud of it, but sometimes I hate myself too for not being able to came out with a good words to respond to any of your story or your problems, in my argument, I may see some problems from it's brightside and making it a funny thing :)

I always going to hear whatever you want to tell me, even if i'm not going to say anything about it, but trust me, i'm all ears when you need me to listen. And from all the problem I had with responding things, I'm pretty good at feeling things, I experienced bunch of stuff more than you know ;). So whenever you told me stuff and making it a joke it doesn't mean I'm not serious, it means I'm all ears and try to cheer you up :)

I may not be a good responder, but I might have a great argument, sorry for all the things I joke about, sorry for not always being a good responder, goodnight :)

The Last Saturday On 2010

It was unexpectedly great, the surprise, the people that I hung with, the food and the atmosphere were just great. Unfortunately, I'm not in a very fit condition, got a flu since 2 days ago and it's killing my throat slowly and its giving me the frog voice. Twitter also down with it's "over capacity" excuse, so I guess why not share it here, even there will be no one reading or maybe just a few reader will read this, but yeah whatever.

Been thinking about getting a job some time later, but I still think that I can't handle the responsible and the pressure. I know that I don't get that many things going on but can I give up my free time? of course there will be money and I will look cool when I tell people that I have a job, but is the money worth the time?

Anyway, what's everybody's plan for new year? Haven't got any idea what to do, not really looking forward for a party, just a small bbq gathering would be nice, but we haven't got anywhere to do it. Guess this will be my last post on 2010 then, see y'all on 2011!

Fooled Around All Around

it's the 3rd night, 3rd motherless night. Where is she? it supposed to be a tour trip around Bangkok but instead just touring, she saw David Foster's concert, yeah David Foster. Jealous much? I do.

Mau ngomong apa malam ini? Hmmm.. udah sebanyak ini post tapi ga gue sama sekali belom pernah mengenalkan lingkungan sekeliling gue, hows that for tonight's topic? I don't really get anything big going on anyway so there's nothing much to tell, so okay here it goes..

FAMILY
So yeah, this is my family, granny and gramp are both healthy, just a common sickness but nothing big. 6 cousins, 1 brother and there's nothing much to talk about. Mom and dad happily married theres not much drama going around here. Some of us going trough puberty and I think thats all. Oyeah, love how our family arrange our vacation, skipping school to go on a vacation is very very cool.

HIGH-SCHOOL

Ya agak telat sih kalo mau ngomongin SMA, about 2 years late hehehe. But this is the very highschooly picture that I got from it. Fotonya cuma buat gambaran aja kok, masih banyak lagi sebenernya orang-orang yang berperan cukup besar dalam kehidupan SMA gue. Ini foto geng arisannya, ya arisan2 sekedar menyambung silaturahmi ya gitulah. Cuma foto ini soalnya yang bagus dan pake seragam, biar kesannya lebih SMA aja gitu.

COLLEGE

Nah, kalo orang-orang difoto ini so far orang-orang yang beneran normal yang akhirnya gue temukan di fakultas gue, di antara cina-cina bedebah dan diantara alay-alay macam ema. Mereka teman-teman gue selama di kampus, since fakultas gue cuma ada 2 kelas dan ya 95% nya ya gitu deh isinya. Dari yang ga punya temen, sampe yang bikin geng yg sampe ada benderanya juga ada, ya cuma inilah segelintir orang-orang normal yang gue temukan dan layak gue jadikan teman, hopefully sampe kelulusan dan jadi sarjana nanti.

Well, so far ya beginilah lingkungan gue, ga begitu luas, tapi ya enak dan bisa berubah dalam waktu yang singkat. Maksudnya? ya the older we get, kadang kita harus bisa nentuin hal apa yang kita mau jadiin sumber mata pencaharian, ya untuk mencapai itu kadang-kadang memang butuh sedikit sacrifice, well that sacrifice also include leaving the hometown.

Pertama kali punya temen yang emang harus merantau ke negeri orang sedih banget sih, kangennya kacau banget rasanya kayak ada yang ilang. Semakin kesini, semakin banyak yang pergi, terus pulang bentar, terus balik lagi merantau. It's not that I hate the concept of going to study abroad ya, tapi gue merasa agak capek untuk kangen sama orang, untuk ngelepasin orang pergi and have to adapt to that person's presence/absence.

To be honest, gue selalu mengingat-ngingat apa rasanya waktu semua orang yang disekeliling gue belom pergi keluar, waktu semua orang masih ada di Jakarta sama2 sekolah. Sekarang sih udah ga kerasa lagi, kalo ada yang mau pergi ya pergi lah, kalo sempet pulang ya pulanglah, rasanya udah kayak mati rasa sama beginian. Gue bukan tipe orang yang bilang 'kangen-kangen' kalo emang ga kangen beneran, mungkin ada bagusnya juga, tapi kadang-kadang kesannya sombong kan. And i'm not blaming you to accuse me for being sombong.

Sepertinya udah semakin malam, kepala semakin sakit saatnya minum decolgen and Jamie Aditya's I Ain't the One keep repeating all over again. Oke, minum obat, cuci kaki terus tidur. I'm signing out! Ciao, mia bella! (That's bye beautiful! in italian)

when life demands

it always hard to write the first sentence for a new post, but once you started you just can't stop can you? hmm so whats this one going to be about? hmmm... let's see, okay! gimana kalo kita ngomongin sedikit tuntutan hidup? boleh dong ya sekali2, you don't really want to read all my gloomy whine about life kan? so here it goes.

19, semester 3, job less and also lover less. Beberapa orang seumuran gue udah punya pekerjaan dan lover, some just jobs and some just lover. Mungkin memang kuncinya adalah kemauan dan usaha. Ya ga bisa dipungkiri memang semakin bertambah umur, kebutuhan bertambah dan kita harus mulai pintar2 manage keuangan, somehow kita kayak di countdown-in masa2 pensiun orang tua dan kita harus menggantikan posisi mereka. I dont think i'm ready for it.

Gue punya banyak mimpi yang pengen banget gue jadikan kenyataan, beberapa hal yang akan sangat gue kejar adalah pergi ke Amerika, menjadi psikolog anak atau ya yang praktek satu sessionnya bisa dibayar beratus-ratus ribu, punya tempat tinggal sendiri dan menghidupi orang tua gue tanpa merasa terbebani karena itu adalah kewajiban. somehow hal-hal instant yang muncul di otak gue menggerogoti pondasi-pondasi mimpi besar gue dan membuat itu ga terwujud, kalaupun terwujud itu akan semakin lama untuk tercapai. tapi gue akan berusaha kok untuk terus bisa mewujudkan impian2 gue dengan cara yang halal dan baik.

okay, it's the 'lover' topic turn. to be honest gue ga akan menuntut banyak untuk seorang jodoh, as long as dia beragama islam yang baik dan berpenghasilan cukup. in a scale 1 to 10, i'd ask for 7 to 10. hehehehe. okay, here's a question, kenapa banyak perempuan banyak menargetkan untuk menikah mudah? 24? seriously? ya bukannya gimana-gimana ya, actually it's kinda nice having a sweet life of the newly weds when you're still young, mungkin hati lo akan berbunga-bunga setiap bangun pagi knowing that ur loved one going to be by your side and knowing that he/she will be the last one you see before you go to bed, so it's kinda serba first and last with your loved one. to be honest it just look like a movie life, and i think i dont need an hour movie life, i need to arrange my lovelife to be longlast, so gue rasa kehidupan romansa gue yang nyata akan lo baca di kemudian hari lamanya, karena sebelom post ini, all that gloomy posts or tweets, well, cuma gue yg tau apa ada benar orangnya atau tidak.

gue sebenenrya pengen banget ngelanjutin post ini, sumpah, momentnya pas banget, lagu yg lagi gue denger juga pas banget, sayangnya, gue abis minum bricasma, obat ini menyebabkan tremor sedikit di tangan, sebenernya abis minum obat ini harusnya lo langsung tidur, tp gue engga hehehe, okay then, signing out. ciao!

gloomy woomy

Gatau mau nulis dimana, cuma kayaknya ini kayaknya tempat paling aman buat gue menulis, gue ga akan tau siapa yang liat dan orang juga ga begitu tau alamat blog gue, hahahah.

udah cukup lama gue ga nulis2 disini. so far, belom ada yg memotivasi gue buat menjadi seseorang yg lebih berguna. paling ga gue mulai mengurus hidup gue sendiri, pinter2 ngatur duit since I have many spare time dan kesempatan buat pergi kemana2. ga kayak dulu.

well, here it goes..

ada setiap suatu saat gue merasa kayak kosong, gloomy, mendung aja rasanya, sedih2 ga jelas. labil, i know. setiap orang pasti punya masa2 labilnya, ga pandang umur dan gender, ga bisa munafik lo pasti punya masa2 labil pada saat2 tertentu. saat ini gue merasakan hal itu dan apa ya, gue mikir aja, kita ini terdiri dari jasad dan roh, kalo perasaan ditentukan oleh roh, kenapa jasad kita yang ngerasain? kenapa bisa ada yang namanya sakit hati? kenapa kalo kita kecewa atau sedih, dada kita sakit? kayak ada yg neken, kenapa kita nangis? kenapa jasad kita ikut ber-empati sama apa yang kita rasakan? kenapa ga ada obat sakit hati? I know my complains are sooooooo cheesy and 'labil' ya, cuma ga ada manusia yang ketawa2 setiap saat. there must be ups and downs in your life.

ada hal-hal yang gue rasakan, yang kadang orang sekitar gue ga bisa mengerti. I do count those little things yang sebenernya menurut orang lain itu adalah hal yang sepele, tapi kadang2 menurut gue justru itu titik pelengkapnya. gue orang yang perasa, cukup peka sama hal2 yang kadang2 janggal, kadang2 terlalu berlebihan beranggapan, cuma ya bisa apa gue, buat bisa diterima means 'boleh berbeda, cuma jangan sampe melewati batas kenormalan'. Orang kita belom bisa menerima keanehan yang cukup besar dan sebenernya gue cukup concern sama hal2 yang begitu.

kayaknya gue udah cukup meluapkan keluh kesah perasaan gue saat ini. i'm currently listening to Jason Reeves's Old Fashion Letter, cukup sedih lagunya, mendukung perasaan gue yg cukup gloomy sekarang.

move + ing

wah udah lama banget gue ga update ini blog, kelamaan malah, it's not that i forgot or anything, i just dont have anything proper to write, hehe. okay let's see here hmmm I got bunch of stories to tell, just doesnt know which one which i have to tell first. lets start with this

1. College
well, what do you know, studying psychology is not as fun as u think it would be. banyak yang harus dibaca dan dipahami. so many slides yang harus gue rangkum, and it aint easy. most of them pake bahasa indonesia sih, but still 2 words would make a weird vocab that hard to understand hhhhhh. o yeah, i got some new friends namanya demia sama acha, they're nice kok. but still they wont be compared to my alpusian, for god sake I miss my alpusian, oh okay, lets talk about them now

2. The past, The present, Hell with tomorrow
okay I admit it, having an 'ga tentu' schedule is sama sekali ga enak, ga sama sekali sih, ada enaknya juga, cuma ya gitu lah, rasanya kayak lebih ga keatur aja, kebiasaan diatur di sekolah, sekolah jam 7 pulang sore and so on seems tempting. gue kangen sama temen2 sekolah gue, I dont know how ya tapi kayaknya tiap anak di sekolah udah di cetak pola pikirnya jadi sama, jadi nyambung2 aja jadi setiap sekolah punya pola pikir beda2 dan akhirnya tiap kita pindah ke lingkungan baru, kita bakal susah nyamain pola pikir lagi sama orang2. hmmm, just something that came out.

gue kangen banget sama temen2 sekolah gue nih kan, but thank god gue dikasih buat sering ketemuan kan. so everything going smooth, ga ada rasa kangen2an, ya cuma ke beberapa orang paling, but the rest seems just fine.

well what do u have left to tell here, hmm lets see.. apa ya.. nothing new except since I have so many loose schedule gue bisa pergi kemana2 nyoba apa2 and i have tried this pizza place called pizza e birra and trust me I highly recommend it! nice view, great food and friendly waiters.

okay, off to surf the net now, ttyl!

currently listening to: Sondre Lerche's new album called 'Heartbeat Radio'

dear gadis

and so now you're leaving dear my good friend, this is not a poetic letter. you might not read it anyway, its been like what? 3 years since i've known you? all about you and your life, not your lovelife, not very interested though. hahahahah. but you do know what to share. it's been fun goin out with you like we used to do back then, all the chat and the argues that I let you win or you just keep yourself in that rock headed of yours. I wrote you something on your blackberry notes, in case you havent read it, i describe what was goin on around me when I wrote it, so you might remember what you left for couple of years later.

and right now, it's 11.34pm, its sunday and I just got home from vania's farewell party, and indeed u dont make any farewell, u said ur going to be sad or something. i'm sad that ure leaving soon, but im used to not having you around anymore now. we dont talk a lot anymore now, maybe your just too busy minding your own life. you have been blown away having a new boyfriend now, but its okay. I'm listening to justin timberlake right now and I remembered how good was your taste in music, most of them match me, and I think you like my taste of music too, you like to borrow my ipod anyway. i wanted to make you something that might remember you of me, of everyone else that u left here, ur friends and the place u usually visit to hang with anyone.

things might be very different when u leave later. but so far, it's only you that could knew that well, you knew me when i was mad, and its only that ask how happy was I when alia got back. and im glad that u ask me that, i'm excited! in case you read this, I just wanted to share this with you, I still miss her though, all the things I planned before she got back here, all the places that we wanted to visit, well, lets say that I already erased that planlist on my phone. I had it for couple of months though. guess I'm not used to having the real her and actually having a difficult time management.

well, what else can i say? "goodbye" is all that is left to say, well take care of yourself now okay. see ya in a couple of months? years? ring me up when ur here :)

One Night of 3 Years Celebration

the prom was awesome! I had a great time and so does my friends. we dressed up really nice, the girls was awesomely beautiful and the boys was handsomely charming. hahahahaha. okay. the prom was full of surprised, the room filled with laughs and tears. semua acara yang disusun pas banget, ga lebih, ga kurang semuanya pas sesuai kadarnya. ga disangka-sangka gue nominasi the most archieved. makasih buat panitia prom karena udah mau mempertimbangkan gue sebagai nominasi nya ya. at least I got flowers. hahahahah!

promnya dihibur oleh band anak2 and of course the guest star "ecoutez". emang keliatannya biasa aja. cuma agak keinget aja lagu2 lo jaman sma dulu. in the end of their song, we all danced, hugged, and cried. seakan-akan lo ga akan pernah ketemu lagi. seakan-akan lo dipisahkan secara paksa. gue punya pengalaman yang jungkir balik banget di sma, dan gue yakin ga cuma gue aja yang ngalamin hal kayak gini. banyak dari lo yang mungkin baca blog ini akan berpikir dalem hati "gue juga ngalamin banyak hal yang bikin dunia cukup jungkir balik 3 taun ini". gue berpelukan dengan banyak orang disana dan beberapa dari mereka membuat gue sedih dan akhirnya gue nangis. duaaarr!!! gue sedih seketika. setiap orang yang gue peluk muncul waktu gue pertama kali kenal mereka. not being too dramatic, tapi beneran deh coba lo inget2 gimana pertama kali lo kenal sama temen lo yang skg lo suka curhatin terus ketemu tiap hari sekolah dan sekarang lo gabisa liat mukanya tiap hari. sad, I know

the afterparty not really into me. I had fun tapi ga se-fun itu. I dont drink! woohoo!! I was afraid to tempt myself to have a sip of some booze, but gladly gue menolak. alhamdulillah ya allah.. many offers, but denial keep coming from me. hahahahah. oyeah, I dont smoke either yesterday. gatau kenapa ga dapet aja mood nya. mungkin capek kali ya. the afterparty ended at 4am. gue balik ngebawa diandra yang udah bengong gitu, di kamar gue bersiin make up gue ditemani adzan subuh. god! I felt really guilty. gue tidur jam stengah 6 dan kebangun sekitar jam stengah 8. -____-"

i guess this is our last stop on highschool. the celebration of 3 years.

Last Day Photoshoot

hari terakhir foto buku tahunan means a very exhausting day. bener2 tepar, bener2 menguras seluruh tenaga gue. kebetulan hari itu gue baru tidur jam stengah 4 pagi. don't ask, you'll know. gue terpaksa dibangunkan jam stengah 9 oleh telpon dari pipit dan 5 menit kemudian terdengar suara ketokan dari jendela kaca gue which means reza babi udh di rumah gue. fuck!. ngobrol-lah gue sama si binatang jalang itu dan gue muai siap2 buat pergi ke alpus, karena sebagian panitia harus siap2 buat foto. gue ke sekolah dan cabut ke rumah lia. wush! gue naik mobil bang syarif. I dont know about his issue, but why oh why on earth he wont open up his mouth just to chat a bit. his silence is just sooo irritating.

sampe di rumah lia, gue mulai bantu2 apa yang gue bisa, gue mulai foto dari yang mau dulu. ga ada urutan cewe sama cowo and there's one thing about the last day class. WHY ON EARTH MOST OF YOU ARE LATE?! telatnya sangant kontras sama kelas2 lain. mau complain kayaknya juga bakal menghambat. jadi yaudahlah. foto kelas, anak demi anak, makan siang tanpa makanan, sampe akhirnya jam 4an mulai lah perisapan foto sekat. sumpah itu yang namanya siap2 itu sangaaaaat lama, and I really mean lama banget. belom lagi yg mau balik cepet. kepala gue rasanya mau pecah. panitia yang kerja juga cuma dikit. grrrr, it's really a pain in the ass.

foto selesai jam 8, gue tepar, gue pengen tidur tapi gue ga ada tenaga sama skali. akhirnya gue pergi makan dulu sama anak2 di aw, terus ke rumah nadya. the only thing that cheers me at that time was a valkyrie story. the gossip has never been this big! hahahah. and then I stayed at adika's and gossip a bit until about 2am sampe akhirnya gue tidur dan bangun sekitar jam 6 karena kebelet beol (i'm blaming it on aw's chilli).

well, thats my 24 hour of a very exhausting day. how about urs?

the department of education has delayed the graduate announcement until 17th june, what an asshole. bye!

listening to, everybody else - rich girl, poor girl

photoshoot day 1

Gue = Shafira Anindya = ketua buku tahunan angkatan '09 alpus3. waktu ditunjuk jadi ketua, gue sama skali menolak, gue gamau. diri gue menolak abis2an. gue ga punya waktu untuk ngurus ini, gue harus belajar, buat tes masuk kuliah dan buat uan. where the hell I get the time from kalo gue ngurus buku taunan biadab ini?! and then I ask, 'kenapa gue? kenapa ga yang lain??', and a good friend ensure me, 'karena lo yang bisa buat kayak gini2an.' and that sentence masih gue inget dan menjadi tumpuan gue sampe saat ini. karena gue bisa! gue bisa ngerjain yang gini2! i know i can, i know i can! hahah

so after months of delaying this yearbook project, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk foto tanggal 1, 2, 3, 4 dan 10. the first day udh lewat. and hell it's exhausting! gue capek pol! tapi seneng juga. hahaha.. seriously, it's fun. walaupun hr ini bukan kelas lo, tapi seneng ga sih lo ngumpul bareng temen sekelas lo lagi. hhah... but hell yeah we suceeded! walaupun ga sesuai expektasi gue sepenuhnya, tapi gue udh evaluasi dan pasti besok bakal dibenerin lagi..!

over and out! eval time!