What's New?

Who says I didn't write for more than a year? Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean I didn't write any. I just hide it better.

So more than a year has gone by, huh? So much happened, reality hits, emotionally transform, still trying to figure out what's what. The big news is, I got a job. Not psychological related at all, but at least it doesn't suck. Most of my time are now being wasted in front of the computer and whining how does a person could work for years and do the same routine over and over again for every single day. But yet, the job doesn't make me hurl and twisted. Except for the first 3 days.

The rest of my life hasn't change a bit. Still hanging in the same old coffee shop, with the same people, with the same amount of love. But again, there are some nights where I miss my old life. You know, the kind where your chest ache when you're about to sleep, the sad songs and tumblr crazy reblogging. That kind, the unstable emotionally condition and driving alone with a slow songs playing is the best cure for anything. And still, up until this moment, driving alone is still the best remedy, even when you're tired as hell from work. It's the only time I got to do thing for and all by myself.

It's been 3 months since I haven't felt being a kid anymore. All of this come unexpectedly and so sudden. I can not wait until the moment I want to stop this and have time for myself and travel.

Don't Go Away

"All we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong", it's 3am, repeating to Oasis's Don't Go Away. My mood-swings get the best of me, I think a lot about things that aren't suppose to be thought about. I worry too much, I love too much.

Being attached too much will cause you some serious twisted mind, but less attached could cause you to some painful longing ache in the heart. So how much is the perfect dose of attachments? because the more you think about it, all you could think of is that you need more and  more of that attaching feeling. Those longing ache you had need to be cured by the presence of your attachments. in this context, I'm talking about being attached to someone. Friends, family, lover or whatever you want to name it.

For what is worth, this is enough. I really couldn't afford being detached to you, well at least for now. Good night :)

YOUR TJANGKLONG TUTORIAL!

gibberish talk

Ada kalanya beberapa malam saya habiskan di dalam kamar buat mikir macem-macem sambil dengerin lagu-lagu mellow di itunes. Sayangnya aktivitas ini malah lebih sering bikin saya nangis dibandingin bikin saya intropeksi diri. Saya gatau apa yang bisa bikin saya nangis, biasanya sih karena udah banyak aja yang kepikiran jadinya kecampur semuanya.

Malam ini adalah salah satu malam dari beberapa malam yang baru aja saya jelasin. Tiba-tiba kepikiran aja pas tadi sorenya lagi ngumpul sama beberapa teman. Melihat bagaimana kayaknya mereka memanage kehidupan mereka yang kayaknya dewasa banget, punya urusan yang sebagaimana diurusin sama orang-orang dewasa. Sedangkan gue cuma duduk-duduk dan kebetulan make jeans, kaos iron maiden dan sepatu vans. I look so immature. Lalu saya ngobrol sama salah satu teman dekat saya. Saya ga pernah begitu nunjukin apa yang sebenernya saya rasain entah itu dalam keadaan sedih, senang atau apapun itu. Ya mungkin mereka pikir mereka tau saya senang dan sedih bagaimana, tapi tetep saya yang tau gimana sebenernya yang saya rasain.

Saya suka menutupi hal-hal tersebut dengan mengatakan hal-hal yang bodoh, so they called it gibberish talk. Saya menikmati omongan-omongan bodoh saya, dan out of nowhere nobody seemed to enjoy it. Sampai pada akhirnya becandaan meng-ignore saya karena saya ngomong hal-hal yang bego terus pun berlangsung. Dari situ saya mikir, apa salah saya? kenapa saya ga sedewasa teman-teman saya? kenapa interest saya ga sama kayak mereka?

Saya ga pernah ngerasa pinter dan sebagainya. Saya tau kemampuan saya seberapa dan apa, and to be honest, saya bisa kok ga ngomongin hal-hal yang bego kayak yang saya sering lakuin saat ini. Tapi apa perlu saya sebutin apa aja yang saya tau ke orang-orang? apa perlu saya sebar ilmu setiap saya ketemu orang? saya bisa punya argumen-argumen logis yang bisa bikin sudut pandang anda berubah. Tapi saya milih untuk ga begitu. Karena menurut saya, ya buat apa? saya ga pernah maksud buat buang-buang masa muda saya mikirin yg bego-bego. Tapi ini lebih ga lucu lagi kalo saya lakuin pas udah tua.

Jadi maksud saya disini adalah, saya ga sedih kalo dianggep bego sama orang, tapi kalo sama yang saya anggap teman baik, ya saya kecewa. Karena saya anggap dia udah bisa ngerti saya gimana.

2nd Base

Right when I thought it's just another weekend, I just realize that this weekend will be the last weekend in my 19th. I don't really know how to feel, am I suppose to be happy to be in the next step of maturity? should I be sad for leaving those reckless teenage years? or should I play it cool 'cos I had 19 birthday before? teehee..

I know I shouldn't worry about those kinda thing, but you know, living in a culture of insult and where old way of thinking still running in most of people's mind just made me think that we, the minority, have to loosen up and tolerate that 'old' way of thinking. The old way of thinking i've been mentioning abut is how people still stuck up with everything upon someone's age, and to be honest, I don't want to be stuck up in something like that. I want to have a life that those tv series stars have, where age doesn't matter and you got to stick your ass up in what you believe. I do think that I kinda make this a big deal, but come on, I enjoy every second of my reckless teenage moment, responsibly of course, and of course I do think I got to make a living one day but those years still far way ahead from where I am right now.

I don't really got much to say, some of the stuff I wrote should make you readers think right? whats your plan for at least for the next 5 years? Master degree or marriage? Master degree or work? work or marriage? are you going to move out and look for your own place? Well, you decide!

To Know What Shoes Fits You Best

It's just this afternoon where me and my mom had a slight tense argument about my brother. She was being a bit harsh about his grade, actually only about his physics grade. She has been told by his physics teacher that my brother talks a lot in class and doesn't really paying attention, and so I kinda say "well it wasn't that bad, maybe it was hard for him and also his teacher doesn't evaluate his mistakes, so it's not really adit's fault" and then she was like all mad and my brother took off.

Then she said "you shouldn't defend him! he's wrong and you shouldn't say it's okay!" and I try to explain at a time like this and at this exact condition, a child only wanted someone who understand him, I wasn't saying he was right, I was just trying to understand him since you been all judgy and stuff. Or maybe it's the way you tell him, all I hear was you being all mad and judgy and of course as a normal person a defense must be done when he's feeling cornered. And then we keep arguing and stuff, then she took off.

So I took a moment alone, thinking that I have no one understand me back then. All I had was a moment alone to cry myself to sleep. What i'm trying to explain to my mom is that in my brother's age, a moral support needed the best. I was just trying to understand his feeling, his tiredness from all this school pressure and at least make him feel that this house felt like home a bit, eventhough I rarely feel that way. I knew what kinda thing he needed, 'cos I just trough the same path couple years ago, and yes I know how exactly how that feels.

I was forced to study everyday after school, you know those private tutor. I was freakingly tired from those routine and I just can't stand it if I have to face those for more 2 years. Right when I can choose whether to be in the science class or social class. I was fed up with all this private tutor and so I chose social studies. It was the best decision i've ever made in my life, not once I regret it.

The choice I made has made me who I am today, right at this moment where I type this thoughts into words. My point is, sometimes you gotta fight for your path and try which shoes fits you the best, even it cost you some fortune.

currently listening to Glee's Pretty/Unpretty mashup, about to sleep any minute, nighty night

Taste Smaste

The question is, does taste really matters? does it effect how you and your environment related? I'm starting to feel that way, well at least to me everything about it just starting to makes sense.

I might have a different taste with some of my friends, well most of it anyway. I'm more the shirt and jeans sitting in a coffee house a light chit-chat will made that perfect. And most of them more like 'whats in to wear' sitting in a cute fancy place eating sweet desserts and whining about their weight. Don't be too offensive, you know you did that. But you know what, that don't bothers me that much and I'm okay with it.

But lately, those little things that really doesn't matter starts to bother me. Rasanya capek jadi orang baik yang kayaknya kadang-kadang harus ngikutin kemauan orang lain gitu, disuruh-suruh mau. Well I'm not claiming myself as a good kind person who helps everyone, but it seems that I'm used to put people first instead putting my needs as a priority, and I'm hating myself for being like this. And yes people, that kinda attitude has caused me to watch 20 mins of Sondre Lerche performance when I should watch and hour performance. Dan itu satu hal yang bikin saya marah sampe gatau kapan, sampe sekarang pun saya masih marah. Masih banget.

Berhubungan dengan suatu lingkungan yang punya beda selera dengan kita sampai kapanpun kayaknya ga akan menyamakan selera kedua belah pihak. Yang dominan pasti akan selalu menang. I shouldn't put my hopes high and put my heart out to watch Sondre, harusnya gue tau yang suka itu cuma gue doang, ngandelin orang lain untuk nemenin nonton cuma usaha sia-sia doang.

Ini ga ngelebih-lebihin kok, but it's just that moment when you found a singer who suddenly sang everything that has been on your mind for years with such a breathtaking tunes and with the most soothing sound you ever heard. Sorry for not being too jazzy or being too top 40ish.